Feeling Distant

I'm crying about the status of school, but not in the way you might think.  I don't lose sleep worrying that I might contract the virus.  I'm not anxious about learning new technology.  I'm not frustrated with the extra work that I need to do to teach our hybrid model.  And I'm not concerned with teaching a new course this year on top of my usual classes.  Frankly, I've been as cool as a cucumber this whole time....until today, our first student day.  

I'll admit that I lost it on the drive home.  I fought the tears as I knew they wouldn't help anything, but they came regardless.  

My specialty is the student who hates math, who hates school.  Nothing makes me feel more alive than when a "non-math" student starts to feel confident.  My soul sings when a students starts to trust me and is willing to make mistakes.  I love walking around my room and checking in with my students just to see what they're working on.  I do enjoy the higher-level classes, but they're not my niche.

So this is why I'm so upset....I don't know how to reach these students.  They're unmotivated and I'm not there to walk with them through that.  They're distracted and I'm not there to guide them.  They're feeling inadequate and I'm not there.  I can't easily see their work.  I can't see the expressions on their faces.  I'm not there to hear their sighs of frustration.  I'm not there.  I'm a talking face on the computer screen.  I don't know how to build a relationship with each student.  I can't have side conversations with students when they're struggling, everyone hears our conversation.  Students who generally hate school are going to hate it even more.  

I'm mourning the loss of relationships that won't develop.  I've never felt so distance and isolated from my kids.  

This post isn't a declaration that all is lost.  I still have hope.  I will continue to look for ways to make these connections with my students.